I realize i'm not normally a romantic person, so this next entry will seem a little ... odd...
I was talking to one of the leaders at our church, who had recently come back from a missions trip a few days ago, when she glimpsed her boyfriend (this seems too light a word... soulmate? hopefully-soon-to-be-fiance? that just sounds weird...) from across the parking lot and she said to me, "seriously, 10 days without (soulmate? hopefully-soon-to-be-fiance?) was killer."
It was an innocent statement, almost joking, but part serious. And i realized i didn't understand this. My bonds to the people I love are strong, but I believe I respect them as individuals enough that i try to give them their space. I also try not to rely on them so much: emotionally, anyway. It's easy for me to be away from my parents, or even my brother, for 10 days. Perhaps even whole months. But is there anyone I love in such a way that being 10 days without them would be torture? Someone who would be, in a non-cheesy sort of way, my other half? Someone I find so absolutely necessary that being away from them would cause me to say, "10 days without (this person) was killer"? Does this happen to everyone? or does it vary by personality?
hm... i guess it's something to think about...

I think i understand a little more where this bundle of knots that makes up who I am comes from just a little bit more. I think i understand a little more where my parents get it from too. This community-centered lifestyle has its ups and down. I had always thought that a community centered lifestyle would have more ups, few distinguishable downs. THe ups are good, though. People always take into account the Other. Then again, that's a significant down too. And although I don't think that the pressure of it is any lighter on me than it was before, it's more frustrating because i understand where it comes from and I can't do anything about it. I'm so... angry about it. I'm... I'm furious even. I despise this idiotic lifestyle where everything everyone thinks of me and my parents has to matter. not only that, I'm judged on whether or not i'm feminine enough too. I hate this. I loathe it. But I'm wondering if I can express it well enough in words. My entire body wants to find something it can break and rip apart. My very cells are braced, seeking a way that i can have furious release. I passionately desire an outlet, a way that I can cause pain, vengeance, without having severe repercussions on myself. And it's selfish of me, I know. As I examine my heart a little more, I'm seeing just how absolutely filthy I am. It makes me question, could it all possibly be my fault? Do I buckle under the weight of this despicable burden and allow myself to be changed whilst I harden my heart to any other possibilities? Can I be fully present for people without showing who I am? namely my parents? Can I be vulnerable to them? Can i forgive them?
This last question, "Can I forgive them", is a huge one for me. I want to blame them for the anger that I feel. I want to feel as though I am justified in my fury. I want to inflict pain, and they are the closest outlet. I want to yell until my throat rips, until my tongue no longer works, and I want them to feel the pain that I have to go through every time they try to "renovate" me in some way. But i'm guessing that my parents, perhaps my mother more, understand this pressure, this drive to please everyone. Except... she has given in to it. All Others must like her, and therefore I must do the same. Not even so that everyone will like her so much as she wants everyone to like me. in her mind, I must be acceptable to all people, so my words, actions, and appearance must be acceptable according to the degree she now believes is the "law of the land". In a way, she does it because she loves me. It's a little twisted, but she wants me to go through life easy. I just.. I can't do this. My values differ. I can't buckle, or at least, I can't allow them, it, whatever to take away my identity, to take away who I am. I'm still building who I am. God's still working on me. if that work stops because I buckled, i will be desolate, a wasteland, full of shame, misery, and vice. I cannot. but I can't not. the commands that she gives me are not unbiblical in and of themselves, but the motivation behind them is. How can i compromise without compromising myself? I'm so tired...