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Thursday, 05 November 2009

  • house? home?

    I think something that I've lacked in a while is ... just... a place I can call my own. Someplace where I can be messy and not feel bad, or feel that someone is going to barge in and start yelling. I don't have a place away from human eyes where I can feel comfortable. you know? Living at my parent's house is fine. I mean, there's a kitchen, a bathroom, a place I can sleep and study, all that good stuff. But it's not mine. I don't live there. here. I don't feel comfortable at their house. I'm actually sitting here and I feel insecure, as though all I have in all the world is just me. Everything else I "own", I owe to my parents. So I guess it's all fine and good that my parents come into my room and yell at me for messiness, because for all intents and purposes, it's still my parents' property. If anything, I owe them a lot of rent, which I cannot pay just yet. But it costs me any sense of security, any sense of self-identity in their home. I wish I could have a place I can call my own.
    i know, I know, everything that I own, and even that my parents own, are not our own. We are blessed with the material goods that give us warmth and security. Even my own self, i owe to Christ. If anything, I will never have true privacy. But you know what I mean. It's a different thing to have God with me at all times looking in on me, and having my parents looking over my shoulder to make comments. I don't know... I just wish I had my own place.
    Perhaps this is why I can really live anywhere and not feel too out of place. I've never really had a home.

Wednesday, 28 October 2009

  • Thinking through Idolatry...?

    I've been trying to think through what it means to be faithful when choosing classes and such. Or... maybe, what it means to be faithful with Time. I know there are some things that we can't avoid, such as the pre-requisites for nursing school or graduating pre-requisites in highschool, sometimes even how many hours people need to work in order to earn a living or to keep a job. But what is the limit between "enough" and "too much", especially in an academic setting? (i'm going to ramble, and this entry will most likely be long, so you don't have to read all of it, but I need to think through this)

    When we, as in Christians or Christ-followers, define "too much", I would guess that the definition would include Idolatry. Why? Well, Idolatry happens when we love something more than God. It's when we take something to replace time that we normally have with God and make it more important than him. or ... it's when we gradually crowd God out of our lives with things we deem to be more important. There are, then, steps to idolatry when we think of it as a gradual process in our lives.

    So here's how I think of it,or how I've been thinking about it, and if I'm being unbiblical, all permission is given to hit me over the head then leave vitriolic criticism behind, at which point i'll delete this entry and repent. (hehe...). But I believe that there's a point where the classes we choose and the amount of time we study for them shifts from faithfulness to idolatry. It's when studying is no longer a challenge to love and cherish what God has given to us to use for his glory but becomes that which we use to glorify ourselves or others and an excuse to leave God out of our lives. I strongly believe that Education is a privilege and gift that God gives to us to use, cherish, and be faithful with in order to glorify him by using it to love and teach others well. There are a whole ton of things that go under that. Studying is a good thing, as much as it kills us to do it sometimes. However, as with everything we do, our motivations must be scrutinized in order for us to understand whether or not we are placing studying above what God wants. For example, if I say to myself, "I study for God's glory", and use that as an excuse not to read scripture or pray, then my excuse is empty.

    1 Corinthians 13:1
    If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If i have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

    Love is the motivation by which we are called to do all things. When our motivations lack love, our actions become meaningless. As we often discuss, love is not that nice feeling we get on the inside. Nor is it that strong, burning passion that drives us to do anything and everything. It's not always expressed as a feeling or a strong affection. It is a commitment. Love for... what? or ... for whom?

    The two greatest commandments, as Jesus taught and is testified to by the whole of scripture, was to Love God and also to Love others. Our love for God and for others is the basic motivation by which we are to act. The ten commandments weren't just 10 random rules God just happened to decide were good rules to obey. They are basic ways in which we love God and love other people.

    So what does this mean for how we live through school? I would say it means that the way that we choose our classes, the amount of time we set aside for these classes, and what it means to be faithful through these classes must be seen in the light of our love for Christ and other people. If I took 18 hours of classes and almost all of them were science courses as well as commited to being a servant at Antioch while trying to work out issues with my family and friends and then trying to keep on doing my spiritual disciplines, I am confident that I would flounder in my spiritual walk with Christ. Maybe some people wouldn't, which is great, but I know that I would constantly be stressing out about what i would need to get done, be constantly anxious about doing my QT's and praying, and definitely not have enough time to even worry about being fully there for the girls in my cell group at Antioch. At this point, I would need to be forced to see that I must commit to a few things so that I can be faithful in all of them rather than do all of them and be faithful in none. I would need to see that by taking on this load, I would not be able to love God and others to the fullest extent that I could. Now, for each person, what the few things are that God calls them to will be different. Regardless, students are always called to love God and love others fully, and if taking certain classes takes them away from that, then ... then what?

    This is where things get... edgy. What are the limits? How do I know which classes to take? If I'm in highschool, how do I know whether or not something will be too much or even too little. It's important to take advantage of what God has given me and use it to love God and others well, yet if I take too much, it will have the opposite effect.

    I believe that this takes experimenting. You really can't know until you've tried it. (No excuses to those who knew already but tried it anyway.) But if taking all honors or AP classes and joining every club under the sun is taking away from your walk with God and your ability to love other people, then you have to make a choice, and a hard one at that. If you drop your AP courses, you might feel like you're taking the easy way out or that other people, namely friends and family, are going to look down on you. However, regardless of the other things that tug you one way or the other, you must keep in mind that you are always called to love. If you stop reading scripture, stop your walk with God just so you could get in a few more hours of studying in, then there's a problem.

    I think this goes the other way around, too. Students, being where they are, and, in a sense, being legally obligated to be where they are, are, of course, students. They are naturally in a position where education has become the rhythm of life. By being who they are, as with being a friend or a neighbor or even a family member, they have acquired a deep calling to be students. Who we are is to be defined by God's love in every aspect, even in being students. Therefore, students who don't study don't have the excuse that they were in the "studied too much" category and decided it just "wasn't for them". Regardless of whether or not you feel like studying, you are called to be a student by nature of where you are in life, and are therefore called to faithfulness through studying. You love and bless people through studying. how? and who? You become a blessing to your teacher through faithful studying. You become a blessing through faithful studying to your friends who might have trouble with a certain class. You become a blessing to your parents who see your faithfulness in studying. Through the gathering of knowledge, you become a blessing to the world by not only learning to appreciate God's creation, but also through using that knowledge to bless the nations.

    hm... is that it? is that the end of my thought processes? i'll read through this later and we'll see... dang... this was long...

Saturday, 24 October 2009

  • Worship

    "If my mind is the size of a soda can and God is the size of all the oceans, it would be stupid of me to say He is only the small amount of water I can scoop into my little can" - Francis Chan.
    I forget that I worship a God who has no obligation to please me.  He is sovereign, regardless of whether or not I know or believe he is sovereign. In comparison to him, what am I? not even a blip on a radar screen, or a grain of sand on a beach. I am less than that. What is my life in comparison with His eternal one? Is he even eternal in the sense that I think of it? stretching forward and backward in time? Time cannot possibly hope to measure Him. He is "I am", the forever present One, and is always "I am" in all time. "I am" is such an awesome description. He "is" at all times. Constant even when time did not exist. I can't even begin to wrap my head around this. And he who created a universe of which no scientist has found an end to is not just "timeless" but "endless" in dimension and form. He is as present a trillion miles away as he is here. He is as present outside of our universe as he is here.

    But for some inexplicable reason, I can pray to him. I can request something of him. He listens to me. He, who is Sovereign, who has no obligation or need to hear me, listens to me. He pays attention to me, to my needs, my cares, my worries. And he responds as according to what he thinks is best. He even bothers to think of my well-being! It's like saying that I listen to the needs of the ants who live in my yard. How absolutely ridiculous! But he listens to a little ant like me. He will, at all times, do as he sees fit, but even then, he cares about me, one in the billions upon billions of people who have lived since time began.

    I can't wrap my head around this, and even though I know I never will be able to, I can't help but to think of it. This realization disappears so quickly. I need to write it down.

Saturday, 17 October 2009

  • Something that has constantly been on mind these past many months is my adequacy in leadership. I truly wonder why I have not been kicked out of ministry, or why people have not seen my faults and called me out on them. i think i'm bordering on paranoia. haha. It's not a true "issue". It's more like a source of anxiety. I wonder, Don't they see that I'm not meeting up with my students on a consistent basis? Don't they see how awkward and clumsy I am with people? how apathetic I am even with my own girls? Don't they how afraid I am of committing to any serious relationships? How little I confide in anyone? Don't they see how uncaring and unfeeling I am? how much I lack in prayer and knowledge of scripture? how lazy and selfish I am? how inconsistent I am?

    It just goes to show, then, that God really does use those who perceive themselves as worthless. For some reason, God called me to ministry. For some reason, I have been given the souls of a handful of girls to nurture and show the face of Jesus. I have not been faithful. If there was a Faithfulness scale from one to one hundred, i think i'd be at ten. maybe twenty, but only because I do the minimum responsibilities.

    We'll see how I get through the rest of the year. I need God right now. I'm not concentrating on Him, i'm concentrating on everything else. I want to fall in love with Him, not anything else first. He's got to be my priority.


Wednesday, 14 October 2009

  • a prayer

    for faithfulness
    perseverance
    love
         for you
         for your Word, your precious words
         for people, my students, my girls
    hope

    in order that I might glorify you. Just for Today. at least for today. at least for the next few hours.
    i pray for these.



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aznpride4christ

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    • Name: Jennifer
    • Country: United States
    • State: Illinois
    • Birthday: 11/9/1988
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 10/2/2002

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