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Sunday, 07 February 2010

I thought I left it all behind me. Is it more serious or less serious than I think it to be?

Monday, 01 February 2010

"My good and faithful servant"

This morning, I read through the story in Luke about the "coming" of the Kingdom of God. (My Bible teacher would say, "The "coming"? it's already here, but not really yet. Remember? the "already-not-yet."" ha ha. thanks teach...)

It reminded me of how in a ton of sermons pastors ask you, "When you go to heaven, will God say to you, 'Welcome home, my good and faithful servant,' or will he judge you harshly for the unfruitful life you've lived on earth?" I believe it's a reference to a passage in Matthew 25, where a master gives his servants a certain amount of money. When a few of his servants invest it well, he says to them, "Well done, good and faithful servant!" However, to the one servant who buried his money so that he wouldn't lose it, the master says, "You wicked, lazy servant!"

I realized that a lot of times, maybe most of the time, I live not for God's pleasure but to prevent His displeasure. I just want to live a life where God won't tell me I'm a failure. As long as he doesn't consider me a failure, I'm ok. (dude... i totally got this from my mom... dang... did not think of that before... haha) I used to think I understood God's grace. I guess in a lot of ways, I still see it. I see it in the people who have been blessings in my life, gifts I have not deserved but have been able to enjoy in full. I see it when my parents provide for me, even when I've been a complete ... ah... idiot... to put it nicely. I see it more nowadays than I used to. But I guess I think that just because God shows grace doesn't mean I measure up to the standards he puts in front of me. To me, grace does not equal approval. Grace leads to this kind of guilt. I feel guilty that I haven't blessed fully the people who've blessed me. I feel guilty that I don't appreciate my parents enough. I feel guilty that I get to have so much and I give so little. Rather than being stuck on guilt, I want to be able to move toward obedience. I want to be able to live life without constantly telling myself, "It's just not enough. you have to do more. You have to be more than you are. You're not enough." I want to look forward to seeing God and knowing he'll say "Good and faithful servant" rather than be satisfied with him just not saying anything and moving on. I don't want to be afraid of his disapproval.

Friday, 29 January 2010

Reading

Recently, our church's leadership began reading Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. After reading it this morning, I realized something about myself.

Last year, I had come off a difficult time with my parents, and I was constantly reminded that I was a failure. It wasn't that I was telling myself that I was, it was that everything in my environment reminded me that people I loved thought I was a failure at the time. At that point, I stubbornly held on to the belief that I wasn't. I thought, God loves me, He doesn't think I'm a failure, I should never tell myself that I am. Shame is unacceptable. For a while, for a few years, even, I told myself this. However, at this point, I realize I have been hiding behind a desire to keep myself from shame rather than truly accepting the fact that God loves me and accepts me.

Here is what I actually believe about myself.

I am a failure. I am not worthy of respect. I am not worth anyone's time. I am too self-absorbed, so I need to make myself pay attention to other people. I have to keep myself from feeling shame. I need to make everyone think I'm ok or the shame will come back. I have no real skills. Anything that people compliment me about is a courtesy, not truth. I am not actually smart or talented in anything.

I probably have more. But the thing I am most disturbed by in my reflection of myself, of what I believe about myself, is that God is not actually in the picture. He defines almost nothing of who I am. Recently, I have been having a difficult time thinking about God. I don't listen. I just ... read. I don't find acceptance in my relationship with him. It's not that I believe he will ditch me. It's that I reject his love for me unconsciously because I am so absorbed with keeping myself from thinking that I am a failure. I put up walls to keep myself and other people from seeing my many, many insecurities, and in doing so, I keep God from changing me. I keep myself from being willing to be changed because I refuse to accept the fact that I am only hiding from my state of complete failure through trying to make other people think I am better than I am.

I keep realizing that my life is a mess. Spiritually, emotionally, relationally, and for any other -ally's that might come up, I am truly Messed Up. And here I sit thinking, Jenn, what are you talking about? You have a better life than probably 99% of the population of the world. You have every resource to keep you spiritually afloat and flourishing. You have good friends, you have a God who loves you, and you are fortunate. Stop thinking about yourself. Stop being so self-absorbed. No one needs to hear this. You're just being egotistical. Stop making everything about yourself. Tell you what, all this entry will do is make you seem like a repetitive, self-absorbed person to other people and all they'll do is tell you that "You got it all wrong!", "stop making this about yourself", "It's about God, not you", and then just make you feel more ashamed because it's true.

I guess it's partially true. It's not about me. The Big Story isn't about me. But I want it to be, in a way. I want to God and other people to pay attention to me on my own terms. As long as I have solid walls around me, the shattered pieces of my heart in my hands won't seem so bad because I can make myself believe that no one will see them but me.

Monday, 25 January 2010

Nursing

These past few weeks have been hectic and stressful ones for me. Today, I took a breather, but I know I'm going to pay for it for the next few days. haha. it's ok, at least I got some sleep.

I was watching some more videos and reading more articles on CNN about the continuing crisis in Haiti, and I came across an article called "Haiti awash in doctors; nurses in short supply." I read the article, watched the associated video, and sincerely wished that I was finished with nursing school so i could go down there and help. Heck, I've learned 2-3 semi-useful skills that I would use a thousand times now if it would be of any help. The way I am now, though, all i'd do is ruin my chances of becoming a nurse by ditching nursing school to go help out in a place while having no real valuable skills. hahaha. So here i sit, waiting, watching, hoping for a time when I can get my hands dirty. I'm sure there's be a lot of that as I get older anyway.

I still wonder where I'm going to go with this in the future. Where's God gonna call me to, i wonder...

Thursday, 31 December 2009

I have recently been finding out that I have no right to feel and stay angry at people who hurt me. Isn't that funny? I have no RIGHT to do it. i keep thinking that. I have no right to hold grudges. Even if someone were to slander me in public, i have no RIGHT to do it. If my parents forget something at home and they ask me to bring it to work for them, I have no right to be angry with them. I don't even have the right to yell at them silently in my mind from frustration. I have no righteousness of my own to be self-righteous.