I think i understand a little more where this bundle of knots that makes up who I am comes from just a little bit more. I think i understand a little more where my parents get it from too. This community-centered lifestyle has its ups and down. I had always thought that a community centered lifestyle would have more ups, few distinguishable downs. THe ups are good, though. People always take into account the Other. Then again, that's a significant down too. And although I don't think that the pressure of it is any lighter on me than it was before, it's more frustrating because i understand where it comes from and I can't do anything about it. I'm so... angry about it. I'm... I'm furious even. I despise this idiotic lifestyle where everything everyone thinks of me and my parents has to matter. not only that, I'm judged on whether or not i'm feminine enough too. I hate this. I loathe it. But I'm wondering if I can express it well enough in words. My entire body wants to find something it can break and rip apart. My very cells are braced, seeking a way that i can have furious release. I passionately desire an outlet, a way that I can cause pain, vengeance, without having severe repercussions on myself. And it's selfish of me, I know. As I examine my heart a little more, I'm seeing just how absolutely filthy I am. It makes me question, could it all possibly be my fault? Do I buckle under the weight of this despicable burden and allow myself to be changed whilst I harden my heart to any other possibilities? Can I be fully present for people without showing who I am? namely my parents? Can I be vulnerable to them? Can i forgive them?
This last question, "Can I forgive them", is a huge one for me. I want to blame them for the anger that I feel. I want to feel as though I am justified in my fury. I want to inflict pain, and they are the closest outlet. I want to yell until my throat rips, until my tongue no longer works, and I want them to feel the pain that I have to go through every time they try to "renovate" me in some way. But i'm guessing that my parents, perhaps my mother more, understand this pressure, this drive to please everyone. Except... she has given in to it. All Others must like her, and therefore I must do the same. Not even so that everyone will like her so much as she wants everyone to like me. in her mind, I must be acceptable to all people, so my words, actions, and appearance must be acceptable according to the degree she now believes is the "law of the land". In a way, she does it because she loves me. It's a little twisted, but she wants me to go through life easy. I just.. I can't do this. My values differ. I can't buckle, or at least, I can't allow them, it, whatever to take away my identity, to take away who I am. I'm still building who I am. God's still working on me. if that work stops because I buckled, i will be desolate, a wasteland, full of shame, misery, and vice. I cannot. but I can't not. the commands that she gives me are not unbiblical in and of themselves, but the motivation behind them is. How can i compromise without compromising myself? I'm so tired...
Comments (5)
The question is never "can I forgive them" but "am I willing." You are always capable of forgiving people. That doesn't make the pressures your parents put on you any less wrong or any less hurtful, but they are people you should love nonetheless. And although I don't like the pressures asian families put on daughters, they do have some weight behind them as a Christian. First impressions are very powerful influences on ministry, and unfortunately most of that is formed off of appearance and mannerisms, so there is some value in being culturally proper. I can understand how you feel, although not in the exact same way, but you should know what I mean. Don't let yourself get so angry though. Nothing good will come of anger. As much as it will probably piss you off to hear me say this, it's a choice. Have patience sister
@Bearhawk67 - yeah, that's the thing. I'm not entirely willing. As a matter of fact, I kinda just wanna say, "screw it, I"ll just live with it" because it's a lot easier for me to just stay angry, thinking vengeful thoughts, rather than to deliberately, even forcefully, choose to say that I forgive them. Which, of course, comes at a cost to myself, and it's something I'm still praying through and working on. :: sigh :: and although I understand that first impressions are important, i don't think they should matter, which is all the more frustrating because they matter in a way they shouldn't Why should the way I dress, my weight, and all the little mannerisms I have cause people to think I grew up improper? That somehow my parents are the ones at fault? Why should my parents be blamed for my little idiosyncrasies and foibles? why should i have to adhere to a system that is so rooted in "What everyone else thinks" to the point that my parents criticize me from the shoes that i wear to the grades that i get? not so much for my own benefit, although there is that, but so that everyone else will think better of my entire family? So that my parents won't be ashamed of me? why should I have to reflect everyone in my family? By nature, I am not completely complacent to these particular cultural norms (as you might know). I dress as I do as an example; dress should not matter, and neither should weight. The way that people see me should not be affected by my attractiveness. It should not, but it does. My grades are my own, but somehow it is "necessary" to compare me to others. The school I go to should not matter, but my mother is ashamed to say where I will be next year. My parents are shamed of me because all others must see me as being "good" and I am not "good" by their standards. I have limits. I am human. I cannot be everything for them at once. I should not have to be. And i am not only angry, but saddened by the fact that this is so ingrained in korean culture that so many girls fall to it, unable to become fully themselves, not allowing themselves to be seen as already beautiful by a God who pursues them at every cost to Himself, because they are distracted by how good they MUST look to others, how they MUST be accepted and acceptable to the figures around them. What am i to say about a culture that limits me to the point that I tear at the seams to even glimpse the fact that God cherishes me?
Yet, in having these questions, these desires to throw off all these confining rules and regulations, I also understand that I'm trying to make people understand something that they have always worked around, never stared at directly. It is only felt by our generation more strongly because we have seen two sides. It makes me want to manipulate others into forming the conclusions that I've made. This is one of those things where I am not willing to meet people where they are; i would rather force them to grow from a point in which they are not familiar. It is here i sin most. I am not loving people well .So is it my fault? is everything my fault? am i to bend and bend and see where I break? do I harden my heart to this completely hurtful value system that surrounds me? And if i do, will I become shallow, unable to see people as they are: beautiful and loved? Will i not longer be able to see myself that way? i don't know if I can live fully while having compromised my values so much. It may just be the way I dress. It may just be my weight. but as a whole, these represent the shallowness of the culture I live in.
I realize that my thoughts are all jumbled, like i tried to say too much at once. It's kinda true; there's too much to say and not enought time or space to say it. ha.
oh how much your words resonate within me, jenn....
i fear i struggle with the some of the similar things..
as far as not loving people well..
trying to manipulate things so that they would reach
my conclusion.. your whole rant even.. ha. oh how familiar it is..
Once again, I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear, but image is for your own ministry as well, not just reflecting how your parents raised you. That part is a matter of respecting your parents, which I understand is extremely difficult. There will always be cultural clashes between generations, that's unavoidable, but we have to honor them and do our best to accommodate them. But like I was saying, your image reflects yourself as much as your parents. We're trying to attract people to a different lifestyle, and appearance is a good representation of how that lifestyle runs. People will judge your health, happiness, manners, everything, based off of how you look, who you hang out with and how you act. I'm not saying it's right, but we have to accommodate for those impressions to a degree. But I'm not saying we have to take all of them into account, but we have to try.
I know how frustrating it is with your parents, but there's only so much we can do, you know? Maybe loving your parents in this situation means just gritting your teeth and bearing with it. It's not your fault, but you can't blame your parents either.
I'm going to be honest, there's more things I was going to say but I'm having a total brain fart right now so I'll get back to you x.x
@Bearhawk67 - haha. what a great time to have a brain fart. haha
The thing is, this should not exist in the church. If these kinds of expectations are put upon girls in the church, the values they receive from their leaders, parents, authority figures, etc. are just the same as outside the church. To push back, in the ministry perspective, I don't want my girls to grow up believing that image is a necessary and important component to their lives. Rather, I want them to grow in a manner that says "I am valued and beautiful", not because of the way they dress but because of how much God values them and finds them beautiful. Now, I understand that some amount of "give" is necessary. At the very least, I will not go to church looking like a hooker (of course, you'd probably find that hilarious or throw up and then kick me in the face or something) but this is for a Biblical reason; i will not (or at least try not) to dress in a manner that stumbles the guys around me (again, another joke can come here but save that for later). however, it goes on the opposite side of the spectrum too. I have no desire to change the way that i dress, appear, etc. for a biblical reason; i have no desire to stumble the girls around me into the thinking that it is good to give in to the social norms that dictate that they must look a certain way to be accepted. I want them to know that they are accepted whether or not they wear shorts to church.
Perhaps I'm blowing this out of proportion. Much of my frustration comes from the fact that my parents are now trying to force upon me values which i have not had previously. Anyone outside of my family or my intimate circle of friends don't even really know i'm struggling with this except for a select few with whom i've shared this with on Sunday morning. Few people would know that i've "given in" to these values that my parents have forced upon me. However, by giving in to this myself, I am admitting that my parents were right; i must dress nice and look good and be proper and do well because of other people, not solely because of Christ. (so partly it's a pride thing... dang) If I am to change my appearance, I would that I be sure of my motivations. What my parents are trying to convince me of is that it is important to please people above all else. They give me no biblical "rhyme or reason" other than that we must live in community and so accomodate each other (which, in a few ways, i find right, but in other ways i find to be totally bogus), and, from their various lectures, rants, and actions, they value opinions from others above what God sees in them, and as such, they do the same to me.
Here is my dilemma then; do i change my appearance and personality in accordance to what they say is important or do I stay consistent in my beliefs, changing only as i must, in order to reflect what I believe is important? If I am to change, I would rather that it be done without my relinquishing my core values.
Maybe it's that I'm an S. I have no need for everyone to like me. In fact, i don't need everyone at church to like me. Most of the parents aren't people I consistently associate with. I have no need for them to look upon me with any sort of favor. They can have a negative opinion of me and I will be fine as long as it doesn't get in the way of what I'm doing and how I interact with my students. But my parents are people that i love and care about and, in a way, i expect that they love me back. Perhaps this is an unrealistic expectation, or at least unrealistic in that my parents may not love me as according to how God my Father loves me (not as consistently anyway). As much as I know that they are Christians, they lack the... drive (?) to try to understand where I'm coming from, and even while I try to understand where they are coming from, I have little idea as to how I convey to them my values without hurting them.
so... in summary... I will not try to lose weight for the wrong reason. I will not try to "dress nicer" for the wrong reason. I will not give up helping out at Antioch for the wrong reason. Again, some compromise is necessary, i understand that, and i have compromised in a few ways over the past few years. Each of those compromises i understood and kept because they were logical. However, and again i say, I will not teach my girls that in order to be loved and accepted they must appear attractive in some way (not just to men but to people in general). And if i compromise on this, that my value system should be dictated by social norms, instead of by God, I will have lost an incredibly important part of myself. I will be trying to look beautiful, fretting every day whether or not i'm acceptable, even though I am already beautiful and accepted by the one really gives me value.
This was wordy. I need to figure out how not to be redundant.