Sometimes, I wish that instead of God working through me to change the heart of another person, it was my own ability that changed that heart. It's not a good wish, I know. But I wish it. I have no power, none real anyway. I have no ability to change another person's heart. It is all God's power, grace, and mercy that changes it. But sometimes I wish that instead of Him being in charge, I was in charge. I sometimes wish that I could be the one that brings everything into togetherness.
Why?
Then I could boast that it was me, truly me, that changed another person. I would be attributed with Godliness. I could believe that I am powerful, I am the center of it all, or at least of something. When I am not, I feel weak, something I hate. I hate the fact that I am so weak. I sometimes hate the idea that I am not the catalyst, the actual initiator of change. Nothing I have is truly mine. So I feel empty at moments. I have this greed for a kind of "property"
Why do I feel this need for power? for domination over others? How did it get this way?
Sometimes, I wonder at the reasoning. How did I get so corrupt? Even as I try to live a Christ-life, I strive to be known, acknowledged, and in control.
The worst part of it is, I'm not sure if God will change me, since sometimes i wish he wouldn't. I wonder if my heart is conducive to change, since it so stubbornly holds on to sin. Then I could go on trying to believe that I am somehow in control of my life, that I "own" something, and it's always going to be mine. But I still own nothing, as much as my heart and mind don't want to believe that.
and now I realize the implications of "owning" nothing, because everything I have and am aren't mine. They are made for God's glory. Sometimes I get so tired of that. I don't want to glorify God. I just want to be lazy, irresponsible, vindictive, and uncaring. I want what I perceive to be mine to stay that way. then I could control it in any way that I want to.
As much as I know that God is worth every dram of energy, that he gives pure and real joy, I sometimes don't care because it's not constant. I don't always feel he's around, at which point I get tempted to ignore him. It takes so much effort to stay faithful and sometimes I just don't care.
At this point, all I can really say is, "Father, change me, push me, break me, and mold me to your liking. Help me to find joy in you and your glory. Help me to find joy in you, not an imitation that carries just a shred of likeness to you. Change my heart so that I can love you more."

 1 Corinthians 5

⁹I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— ¹⁰not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. ¹¹But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat.

 ¹²What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? ¹³God will judge those outside. "Expel the wicked man from among you."^[b]

 

This seems painful for both parties. How do you do this while loving the other person well? ah...

I've been trying to think through what it means to be faithful when choosing classes and such. Or... maybe, what it means to be faithful with Time. I know there are some things that we can't avoid, such as the pre-requisites for nursing school or graduating pre-requisites in highschool, sometimes even how many hours people need to work in order to earn a living or to keep a job. But what is the limit between "enough" and "too much", especially in an academic setting? (i'm going to ramble, and this entry will most likely be long, so you don't have to read all of it, but I need to think through this)

When we, as in Christians or Christ-followers, define "too much", I would guess that the definition would include Idolatry. Why? Well, Idolatry happens when we love something more than God. It's when we take something to replace time that we normally have with God and make it more important than him. or ... it's when we gradually crowd God out of our lives with things we deem to be more important. There are, then, steps to idolatry when we think of it as a gradual process in our lives.

So here's how I think of it,or how I've been thinking about it, and if I'm being unbiblical, all permission is given to hit me over the head then leave vitriolic criticism behind, at which point i'll delete this entry and repent. (hehe...). But I believe that there's a point where the classes we choose and the amount of time we study for them shifts from faithfulness to idolatry. It's when studying is no longer a challenge to love and cherish what God has given to us to use for his glory but becomes that which we use to glorify ourselves or others and an excuse to leave God out of our lives. I strongly believe that Education is a privilege and gift that God gives to us to use, cherish, and be faithful with in order to glorify him by using it to love and teach others well. There are a whole ton of things that go under that. Studying is a good thing, as much as it kills us to do it sometimes. However, as with everything we do, our motivations must be scrutinized in order for us to understand whether or not we are placing studying above what God wants. For example, if I say to myself, "I study for God's glory", and use that as an excuse not to read scripture or pray, then my excuse is empty.

1 Corinthians 13:1
If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If i have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is the motivation by which we are called to do all things. When our motivations lack love, our actions become meaningless. As we often discuss, love is not that nice feeling we get on the inside. Nor is it that strong, burning passion that drives us to do anything and everything. It's not always expressed as a feeling or a strong affection. It is a commitment. Love for... what? or ... for whom?

The two greatest commandments, as Jesus taught and is testified to by the whole of scripture, was to Love God and also to Love others. Our love for God and for others is the basic motivation by which we are to act. The ten commandments weren't just 10 random rules God just happened to decide were good rules to obey. They are basic ways in which we love God and love other people.

So what does this mean for how we live through school? I would say it means that the way that we choose our classes, the amount of time we set aside for these classes, and what it means to be faithful through these classes must be seen in the light of our love for Christ and other people. If I took 18 hours of classes and almost all of them were science courses as well as commited to being a servant at Antioch while trying to work out issues with my family and friends and then trying to keep on doing my spiritual disciplines, I am confident that I would flounder in my spiritual walk with Christ. Maybe some people wouldn't, which is great, but I know that I would constantly be stressing out about what i would need to get done, be constantly anxious about doing my QT's and praying, and definitely not have enough time to even worry about being fully there for the girls in my cell group at Antioch. At this point, I would need to be forced to see that I must commit to a few things so that I can be faithful in all of them rather than do all of them and be faithful in none. I would need to see that by taking on this load, I would not be able to love God and others to the fullest extent that I could. Now, for each person, what the few things are that God calls them to will be different. Regardless, students are always called to love God and love others fully, and if taking certain classes takes them away from that, then ... then what?

This is where things get... edgy. What are the limits? How do I know which classes to take? If I'm in highschool, how do I know whether or not something will be too much or even too little. It's important to take advantage of what God has given me and use it to love God and others well, yet if I take too much, it will have the opposite effect.

I believe that this takes experimenting. You really can't know until you've tried it. (No excuses to those who knew already but tried it anyway.) But if taking all honors or AP classes and joining every club under the sun is taking away from your walk with God and your ability to love other people, then you have to make a choice, and a hard one at that. If you drop your AP courses, you might feel like you're taking the easy way out or that other people, namely friends and family, are going to look down on you. However, regardless of the other things that tug you one way or the other, you must keep in mind that you are always called to love. If you stop reading scripture, stop your walk with God just so you could get in a few more hours of studying in, then there's a problem.

I think this goes the other way around, too. Students, being where they are, and, in a sense, being legally obligated to be where they are, are, of course, students. They are naturally in a position where education has become the rhythm of life. By being who they are, as with being a friend or a neighbor or even a family member, they have acquired a deep calling to be students. Who we are is to be defined by God's love in every aspect, even in being students. Therefore, students who don't study don't have the excuse that they were in the "studied too much" category and decided it just "wasn't for them". Regardless of whether or not you feel like studying, you are called to be a student by nature of where you are in life, and are therefore called to faithfulness through studying. You love and bless people through studying. how? and who? You become a blessing to your teacher through faithful studying. You become a blessing through faithful studying to your friends who might have trouble with a certain class. You become a blessing to your parents who see your faithfulness in studying. Through the gathering of knowledge, you become a blessing to the world by not only learning to appreciate God's creation, but also through using that knowledge to bless the nations.

hm... is that it? is that the end of my thought processes? i'll read through this later and we'll see... dang... this was long...